Posted by: raddestnerd | December 11, 2008

Kidney Disease, Cyborgs And ‘Too Much Information’

So I had my CAPD* catheter installed on Tuesday, December 2, 2008.

Came back from my first training session with Nurse Sharon at the Kidney Center today. Felt totally awesome, learning how to treat myself. I couldn’t help but hear that rascally voice in my head as I donned the mask over my nose and mouth: “Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer!” And a strangely amusing thought: Now, when the new film comes out this Summer, McCoy would probably become my fave character.

It was interesting (a very meticulous procedure) and thrilling (the danger of contamination and infecting my body was very real). So, it turns out that… Interesting + Thrilling = Fun.

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*For the curious who do not mind some TMI:

CAPD stands for Continuous Ambulatory Peritoneal Dialysis. I’ve been living with kidney failure for the past 13 years, but the problem was only discovered 3 years ago. Yikes. Alas, them kidneys be so humble they work themselves to death (literally) until they give out on ya, and throw ya in for a loop. Anyway, PD is good news since UNLIKE hemo dialysis I will not be tethered to the hospital 3 days out of the week and there is no need for my blood to ever leave my body. To quote Jim Carrey in BRUCE ALMIGHTY, “Blood was meant to stay IN the body!” (Gotta love that line. Unless you need a blood transfusion and you want to encourage people to donate blood.) Anyhoo. Back to PD. Basically I would be filling me self with dialysate (sugar water) and when that comes in contact with the peritoneal membrane (which surrounds and protects the internal organs), the capillaries in the membrane release wasteproducts in the blood into the dialysite and you simply drain. Voila! (Ah, for the wisdom of God who decided, “Yeah, let’s throw in the peritoneal membrane in there; humans in the 20th century and beyond are gonna make good use of that thing.”) So now I have a little hose sticking out of me tummy (to the side, so it doesn’t look like an umbillical chord or something gross like that), which makes me a kind of “Terminator” or “Six Million Dollar Man” or “Robo Cop” (take your pick), and now–until I get that ever-handy transplant–I will literally have “out of thy belly shall flow rivers of living water” or something like that. I’m sure Jesus says it much cooler in the NLT. Then in another week or two I will be switching to CCPD. That, I don’t have time to explain so Wikipedia it, people! It’s more accurate than Web, M.D.! (I know…it’s the other way around.)

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Responses

  1. Hi there Ronald… i so enjoyed your write up! You have a beautiful perspective, a God-born perspective… Your creative,too. heehee.. I keep praying for you, Ronald.. just know that, ok? I also enjoyed your short film. You have talent that really shows in so many ways!! 🙂 It is a privalege to know you, my friend! Hang in there, may God’s overflowing healing and miraculous waters flood your whole life… 🙂


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